He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
