He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
