I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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