In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
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