He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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