Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
