i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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