I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I have tasted many bathrooms
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
