i think my tv is drunk
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
