Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
