I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
