I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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