remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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