Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
