I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
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