Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
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