toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
