he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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