i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
