she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
