Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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