Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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