Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
what day is it and did you see me today?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
