Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
