I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
