You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
