The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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