I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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