i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
