Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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