your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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