So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
