I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
