Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
