my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
