You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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