We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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