What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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