I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
