i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
