Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
