so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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