The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
