dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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