take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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