Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
