sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
