So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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