ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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