I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
