So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
