Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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