those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
two words...techno handjob
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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