no, he came in my armpit
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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