I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
