I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
