Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize